she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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