I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
