EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
