It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
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Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize