the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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