I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
