Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
