hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
