I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
