I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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