Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
