So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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