Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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