My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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