Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
