highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
