Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
