I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.