nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
