how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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