i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
