im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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