so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
