please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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