Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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