i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
