Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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