Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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