I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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