Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
