I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
