i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
