I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
