that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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