Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
