my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
