You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
