The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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