K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i came on her dog
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
