I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
