I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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