Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
