got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
