I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
