my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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