You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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