also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
