I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
