So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
