I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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