I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?