I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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