I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
