just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
