I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
