ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
