She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
